When Commercials Were Fun

 

Over the years American TV commercial producers have found catchy ways to sell products.

One of my earliest memories of a commercial was the one for Nestles chocolate powder to flavor milk. While we used Bosco in our house on the rare occasions we were allowed chocolate milk – it was considered a treat rather than the norm in our house, and the jar lasted at least a year – Nestles was the winner as far as commercials. They had a marionette  dog singing, “N-E-S-T-L-E-S, Nestles is the very best…. Chocolate.” I believe the dog’s jaw clicked closed at the end. Quick and to the point. And he looked like that wooden pull-along dog many toddlers had.

Then there was a series of commercials with Madge the Beautician, who soaked her clients’ nails in dishwashing liquid to soften their cuticles, demonstrating that Palmolive liquid was gentle on hands, making dishwashing somehow more pleasurable.

The Wicked Witch of the West actress Margaret Hamilton (as herself) pedaled Maxwell House “Good to the last drop” coffee.

There were singing twins who sold Double mint gum, Speedy Alka Seltzer, who looked like a prototype of the Pillsbury Dough Boy in a bellhop uniform promising to make your stomach upsets a thing of the past, and Choo Choo Charlie sold Good-N-Plenty candy, which, if you shook the box slowly, sounded something like a train.

In those early days of television, feminine hygiene products and prescription drugs weren’t advertised. But cigarettes were.

“Come to where the flavor is… Come to Marlboro Country.” Presumably, this is where cowboys lived, since it was always advertised by a man with a horse, boots and a cowboy hat. In those days there were more Westerns on TV than there currently are spinoffs of Law and Order.

“I’d walk a mile for a Camel,” and probably be coughing all the way considering Camels didn’t originally have filters.

“LSMFT – Lucky Strike Means Fine Tobacco.”

All of the elegant people were shown with cigarettes in hand, be they Pall Mall, Salem, Chesterfield or Winston’s. “Winston tastes good, like a cigarette should.”

And then in the  mid-60s, despite Rod Serling doing the prologue and epilogue to every Twilight Zone episode with a cigarette smoldering between his fingers, cigarette commercials were banned on TV.

With the rise of the hippie movement and Broadway productions like Hair, some fun commercials began.

Santa riding an electric shaver down a ski slope while, “Floating heads, floating heads” to the tune of Jingle Bells played in the background was shown every year at Christmas time for probably as many years as the current scratch-off lottery ticket commercials by Gus (the second most famous groundhog in PA). But that commercial did make one wonder what the writers were smoking when they came up with that idea.

The loneliest man was apparently the Maytag repairman, because the product was so good, it made his job obsolete.

There were a few funny commercials that people could recite verbatim that didn’t last because no one could remember what product they were selling.

An unusual one was the late ‘60s/early ‘70s Coke commercial that featured the song, “I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing.” Initially only a snippet of the song played, but eventually, they showed a version with a mass of people singing the entire song – in three-part harmony.

The strangest commercial, to my mind, was the one advertising hand lotion – I don’t even recall which one – that claimed it made your skin feel as soft as a baby’s behind. Imagine using that on your face? I guess we know where Beavis and Butthead came from.

While today we have blue cartoon bears advertising Charmin bath tissue, telling you to “enjoy the go,” years ago Mr. Whipple a store manager admonished customers, “Please don’t squeeze the Charmin.” One wonders who does?

There was also Kool-Aid, a powder mixed with sugar and water for kids to drink, advertised by a pitcher with a face. Later, Funny Face, which was essentially the same thing, had to amend its flavor names because some were politically challenging. Chinese Cherry was changed to Choo Choo Cherry, and Injun Orange became Jolly Olly Orange to fit in better with Goofy Grape.

A woman who gave the impression of being naked as she stood in the midst of bushes announced, “Hi. I’m Eve.” Her job was to sell Ocean Spray Cranapple juice drink. That was probably as risqué as American commercials got.

In the ‘80s we had a long-haired, shirtless man who looked like he’d just stepped off the cover of a romance novel touting, “I can’t believe it’s not butter!” in a non-descript European accent to a nearly swooning housewife. While I haven’t seen any ads for that product lately, It’s still sold in stores. The commercial fit in well with shows like Knott’s Landing, Dallas, and 90210.

In high school, I wrote a parody poem about TV commercials. I’ll include it here so you can decide whether or not my college poetry professor was correct in telling me to give up poetry, and see if you remember which commercials are spotlighted.

 

And Now, a Word From Our Sponsor

 

Her skin was as soft as a baby’s behind,

And she smells like a fresh-cut lemon.

She’s conquered split-ends with her thick, rich shampoo

And feels baby-like softness that was born in her hair.

 

Her man’s beard stands soft to a barber-close shave

That’s 50% closer, they say.

His hair has the dry look, he smells like a lime,

But his skin isn’t soft as a baby’s behind.

 

But her father is having conniptions, they say,

‘Cause she uses a whitener instead of the Gleem.

Her guy’s aftershave’s irresistible;

Her tingling, clean mouth is ever so kissable

And their antiperspirant keeps the whole track team dry.

 

While he’s bathing to make himself feel cleaner than soap,

She’s fogging his specs in the sink, like a dope.

Her coffee’s the greatest – even better than freeze dried,

And her cake is so moist,

All the neighbors come back for more.

 

She always drinks Tab so he’ll notice her dresses,

And keeps a live tiger to put in her tank.

She opens the dog food with her bare hands;

Has revolving credit now at the bank.

 

Yes, she’s the American Woman,

And he’s the American Man

They use Heinz 57 all over their steak,

And their chicken’s

Finger-lickin’

Good.

 

Commercials have changed significantly, and perhaps reflecting the times, aren’t as entertaining, even when they’re trying to be.

Like many of my cousins in the UK, I’m appalled by TV ads for prescription drugs, so I have a nostalgic place in my heart for the old-time commercials.

                     #  #  #

Grammar refresher: To/two/too

to: direction , intention.  e.g.: 1)We are going to the mall. 2)I want to tell you something. 

two: the number. e.g.: There are two prizes left.

too: 1) also; 2) more than desirable. e.g. 1) Larry will be there, too. 2)Too many marbles have been lost for us to play the game.