When Commercials Were Fun

 

Over the years American TV commercial producers have found catchy ways to sell products.

One of my earliest memories of a commercial was the one for Nestles chocolate powder to flavor milk. While we used Bosco in our house on the rare occasions we were allowed chocolate milk – it was considered a treat rather than the norm in our house, and the jar lasted at least a year – Nestles was the winner as far as commercials. They had a marionette  dog singing, “N-E-S-T-L-E-S, Nestles is the very best…. Chocolate.” I believe the dog’s jaw clicked closed at the end. Quick and to the point. And he looked like that wooden pull-along dog many toddlers had.

Then there was a series of commercials with Madge the Beautician, who soaked her clients’ nails in dishwashing liquid to soften their cuticles, demonstrating that Palmolive liquid was gentle on hands, making dishwashing somehow more pleasurable.

The Wicked Witch of the West actress Margaret Hamilton (as herself) pedaled Maxwell House “Good to the last drop” coffee.

There were singing twins who sold Double mint gum, Speedy Alka Seltzer, who looked like a prototype of the Pillsbury Dough Boy in a bellhop uniform promising to make your stomach upsets a thing of the past, and Choo Choo Charlie sold Good-N-Plenty candy, which, if you shook the box slowly, sounded something like a train.

In those early days of television, feminine hygiene products and prescription drugs weren’t advertised. But cigarettes were.

“Come to where the flavor is… Come to Marlboro Country.” Presumably, this is where cowboys lived, since it was always advertised by a man with a horse, boots and a cowboy hat. In those days there were more Westerns on TV than there currently are spinoffs of Law and Order.

“I’d walk a mile for a Camel,” and probably be coughing all the way considering Camels didn’t originally have filters.

“LSMFT – Lucky Strike Means Fine Tobacco.”

All of the elegant people were shown with cigarettes in hand, be they Pall Mall, Salem, Chesterfield or Winston’s. “Winston tastes good, like a cigarette should.”

And then in the  mid-60s, despite Rod Serling doing the prologue and epilogue to every Twilight Zone episode with a cigarette smoldering between his fingers, cigarette commercials were banned on TV.

With the rise of the hippie movement and Broadway productions like Hair, some fun commercials began.

Santa riding an electric shaver down a ski slope while, “Floating heads, floating heads” to the tune of Jingle Bells played in the background was shown every year at Christmas time for probably as many years as the current scratch-off lottery ticket commercials by Gus (the second most famous groundhog in PA). But that commercial did make one wonder what the writers were smoking when they came up with that idea.

The loneliest man was apparently the Maytag repairman, because the product was so good, it made his job obsolete.

There were a few funny commercials that people could recite verbatim that didn’t last because no one could remember what product they were selling.

An unusual one was the late ‘60s/early ‘70s Coke commercial that featured the song, “I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing.” Initially only a snippet of the song played, but eventually, they showed a version with a mass of people singing the entire song – in three-part harmony.

The strangest commercial, to my mind, was the one advertising hand lotion – I don’t even recall which one – that claimed it made your skin feel as soft as a baby’s behind. Imagine using that on your face? I guess we know where Beavis and Butthead came from.

While today we have blue cartoon bears advertising Charmin bath tissue, telling you to “enjoy the go,” years ago Mr. Whipple a store manager admonished customers, “Please don’t squeeze the Charmin.” One wonders who does?

There was also Kool-Aid, a powder mixed with sugar and water for kids to drink, advertised by a pitcher with a face. Later, Funny Face, which was essentially the same thing, had to amend its flavor names because some were politically challenging. Chinese Cherry was changed to Choo Choo Cherry, and Injun Orange became Jolly Olly Orange to fit in better with Goofy Grape.

A woman who gave the impression of being naked as she stood in the midst of bushes announced, “Hi. I’m Eve.” Her job was to sell Ocean Spray Cranapple juice drink. That was probably as risqué as American commercials got.

In the ‘80s we had a long-haired, shirtless man who looked like he’d just stepped off the cover of a romance novel touting, “I can’t believe it’s not butter!” in a non-descript European accent to a nearly swooning housewife. While I haven’t seen any ads for that product lately, It’s still sold in stores. The commercial fit in well with shows like Knott’s Landing, Dallas, and 90210.

In high school, I wrote a parody poem about TV commercials. I’ll include it here so you can decide whether or not my college poetry professor was correct in telling me to give up poetry, and see if you remember which commercials are spotlighted.

 

And Now, a Word From Our Sponsor

 

Her skin was as soft as a baby’s behind,

And she smells like a fresh-cut lemon.

She’s conquered split-ends with her thick, rich shampoo

And feels baby-like softness that was born in her hair.

 

Her man’s beard stands soft to a barber-close shave

That’s 50% closer, they say.

His hair has the dry look, he smells like a lime,

But his skin isn’t soft as a baby’s behind.

 

But her father is having conniptions, they say,

‘Cause she uses a whitener instead of the Gleem.

Her guy’s aftershave’s irresistible;

Her tingling, clean mouth is ever so kissable

And their antiperspirant keeps the whole track team dry.

 

While he’s bathing to make himself feel cleaner than soap,

She’s fogging his specs in the sink, like a dope.

Her coffee’s the greatest – even better than freeze dried,

And her cake is so moist,

All the neighbors come back for more.

 

She always drinks Tab so he’ll notice her dresses,

And keeps a live tiger to put in her tank.

She opens the dog food with her bare hands;

Has revolving credit now at the bank.

 

Yes, she’s the American Woman,

And he’s the American Man

They use Heinz 57 all over their steak,

And their chicken’s

Finger-lickin’

Good.

 

Commercials have changed significantly, and perhaps reflecting the times, aren’t as entertaining, even when they’re trying to be.

Like many of my cousins in the UK, I’m appalled by TV ads for prescription drugs, so I have a nostalgic place in my heart for the old-time commercials.

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Grammar refresher: To/two/too

to: direction , intention.  e.g.: 1)We are going to the mall. 2)I want to tell you something. 

two: the number. e.g.: There are two prizes left.

too: 1) also; 2) more than desirable. e.g. 1) Larry will be there, too. 2)Too many marbles have been lost for us to play the game.

A Time of Outrage

 

Some people look for reasons to be outraged or insulted.

I don’t know how many other people have this issue, but often when I’m on social media, I forget the fact that everyone in the room, drunk, sober, class bully, village idiot (by that I mean people who intentionally try to appear stupid), the uninformed, those looking to pick a fight, as well as your friends can see what you’ve written.

A simple comment about a television program or some celebrity meant to harm no one ends up being attacked by people you wouldn’t even want to meet in real life. Often those attacks contain rather coarse expletives – the sort you used to be banned from using on social media – for no other reason than the person disagrees with your opinion.

And that is the key word: Opinion. Most of what is posted online is nothing more than opinion. And for that, we are subjected to name-calling.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been called a snowflake for having a conscience. Fine. You know, avalanches are made up of snowflakes. And that statement is often my response to being called a snowflake, if I even bother to respond.

Often, I don’t deem the bullies worthy of a response. If they’re being particularly aggressive, I block them as well as not responding.

Not long ago, I responded to something posted online and several people’s responses showed that they had either not read what I wrote or not understood the way I wrote it. I suppose sometimes my sentence structure is too advanced for those who are looking for an argument, and they jump on what they think they saw. It kind of reminds me of Charlie Brown playing football with Lucy.

I’m no more a genius than anyone else. I’m just your average person trying to get by in the world. I have nothing going for me that could, in any way, make me influential. The only awards I ever received – other than a couple of fencing medals – were for perfect attendance, and I was even criticized by my peers for those.

I would say my biggest error online is when I get into a conversation with a friend on a post, whether it’s mine, theirs or someone else’s, and I forget that everyone else out there can see what I’ve written. Then someone else comes in and makes a comment on what I’ve said, usually in a negative way. My first thought it, “Mind your own business; I wasn’t talking to you!” And then I realize, oh, yeah, I did post that in a public forum, and anyone can nose in.

I often get into the mindset that, especially if it’s my own post, it’s like being at a cocktail party. You may be in a room with lots of people, but you’re not talking to all of them. You’re talking with a circle who are standing around you, and if someone from across the room comes over and butts in – especially if they don’t have a history with you on the subject – you feel annoyed, to say the least.

Unfortunately, social media is not a cocktail party, and everyone in the room has a microphone.

What I really find obnoxious, though, is when you ask a question about a post, and someone feels the need to put you down for what you’ve posted.

I see social media as an opportunity to learn things on a social level. It’s certainly not an educational forum, but if you look at it like “The Kelly Clarkson Show” or “Evening Magazine” (is that even still on?) it’s the online version of “entertainment news.”

For example, someone posted about the Eurovision contest. I know what that is, but I was unaware of what countries can participate – or even if it’s restricted to certain countries. The post was about one country not participating if a certain other country – a non-European country, in fact – participated. Not knowing what countries participate (I know the US doesn’t, but I don’t know whether or not we’re allowed to), I asked if countries outside Europe were allowed to participate. One person replied that Australia does. That was fine. But the next comment was simply rude. The person said, “Maybe you shouldn’t comment on things you know nothing about.”

I don’t know why that person couldn’t have just scrolled on by. But I replied, “I didn’t comment. I asked a question. Generally people ask questions to learn something, which was what I was trying to do.”

I didn’t grow up watching the Eurovision contest. They don’t play it here. What was wrong with my question? It never got answered, so I still don’t know. But I won’t bother asking on social media.

My real pet peeve on social media is the group of people who just look to be affronted. They see the slightest comment as an attack on them personally. If you talk about educational standards going down, they attack you for calling them stupid. (Hey, first of all, I wasn’t talking to you. Second, I wasn’t talking about you. I was talking about the state of education at this moment in history. Get a grip! – of course, I never say that.)

If you express a dislike of a particular actor, you get a diatribe about how stupid you are because you don’t love what they love. I’ve learned to couch my dislike of actors, singers and others in the performing arts as “not my cuppa.” Many of the attackers apparently don’t know what that means, so they give it a pass.

Reggae isn’t my cuppa. But that doesn’t mean I don’t think anyone should like it. (I’m waiting for those who will misinterpret that sentence because they don’t understand the sentence structure) Like away. Be happy. I’m not saying it’s not music, or that it’s not worthy of fans. I’m only saying I’m not on that fan list. As the song said, “Different strokes for different folks.”

I was teased practically to the point of torture when I was a teen for saying I liked the Monkees and the Bee Gees. After that I kept that information to myself based on prior criticism. Now that there’s only one member of each band left alive, it’s almost cool to be a fan. (So does my cool factor improve if I divulge that I have nearly all of the albums for both bands, mostly on vinyl?)

I used to spend a good deal of time on Social media, probably more than is good for me. I think I’m over it. I now check out whether or not anyone’s messaged me, looked to see if anyone I know has commented on anything I’ve posted, scroll around to see if any of the fun things are there – I have a fondness for videos of Casper the dog, who gives his “father” explanasions  of things, and of course, wants treats – and then I sign off. After all, I have books to write.

I used to love ceiling cat, but I don’t know whatever happened to him, or many other fun pages. I hate the political horror pages, but I do look to see what the comments are occasionally. I’ll even go so far as to type a comment, then leave the page without posting it because I don’t like the negativity.

I think one of my New Year’s Resolutions should be something one of my cousins said about social media several years ago. She said she doesn’t check what anyone she doesn’t know has to say on her posts because it’s none of her business.

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New service: grammar refresher. This month's words: Then/than

then: a time reference. E.g. :She won the race, then received the medal.

than: comparison. E.g.: The giant is taller than the bunny.

 

 

Promises, Promises

 

Every year begins with a slew of resolutions for many people. People load up on more resolutions than they can possibly keep track of, and they’re usually just vague enough to guarantee failure by February.

Lose weight. Give up smoking. Be nicer. Exercise more.

However, those are not goals; they’re headings.

Lose weight? How much weight? What’s your strategy? What’s your time frame? Is it a sensible amount that you can reasonably expect to lose?

Give up smoking. I’m told this one is quite difficult. I don’t know since I’ve never been a smoker. Still, how to go about it? Use a non-smoking patch? Go cold turkey? Gradually decrease the amount you smoke until you’ve reached zero? Again, what’s the strategy, and is it reasonable?

What does “be nicer” mean? Nicer than what? How are you going to achieve it? How will you know when you’ve arrived?

I grew up in a time that, to quote George H.W. Bush, was a kinder, gentler time, even though we had global fears: Someone else dropping the bomb, the Bay of Pigs, the Cuban Missile Crisis, the Vietnam War. But children showed respect to their elders (or else), and were not catered to as if they were in charge. “Please” and “Thank you” were expectations, not requests. People were not seen in public in pyjamas. People held doors routinely for others.

Some people still adhere to these rules, but they appear to come as more of a surprise in a world where a large portion of the population rarely looks up from their phones.

Exercising more is easy to put into a routine. How many times a week, how long each session, and precisely what exercise will be done?  It can be as simple as taking a break every 20 minutes or so from work at the computer to stretch and walk across the room and back to start, or walking around the block. Or, it can involve a gym membership or working out with weights.

With our electronic gadgetry, many people already insist on a certain number of steps in a day. Personally, I look at mileage instead. I have a goal of 2 miles a day as a minimum, although some days that doesn’t happen.

The problem appears when the resolution remains too vague or the individual is too gung-ho to begin with and takes on too much. Jumping into weight training with too heavy a weight can lead to sore muscles or even injuries, and that, in turn, leads to slacking until the pain subsides. Sometimes, even after the muscles stop hurting, the exercise program is forgotten.  Gym memberships are at a peak in January, but gyms are far emptier by the middle of February, even when snow isn’t a factor.

Overcoming procrastination is the biggest obstacle to success where New Year’s resolutions are concerned.

I’m in the “lose weight” category. My strategy is that I have a fixed amount I wish to lose. I know approximately how much I generally lose per week when I’m trying, and I have figured out when I expect to reach the goal weight. Of course, I’ve always been plagued by plateaus, so I still have to figure out how to make weight loss work for me when I hit a plateau.

One thing I absolutely will not be doing is using the highly popular diabetes medications currently being touted as weight loss drugs. I am not diabetic, and I prefer the “less is more” attitude about weight loss. I don’t want to have to rely on a drug for the rest of my life to maintain weight loss. I don’t want to treat myself for a disease I don’t have.

Granted, some people can only achieve weight loss that way, but I’ve demonstrated in the past that I am able to lose weight with a proper eating plan and no drugs. I’m not putting anyone down for using them. They’re just not for me.

I also have reasons for wanting to lose weight, and being the hottest-looking senior on the beach is not one of them. Besides, that’s not even an achievable goal for me. Instead, I want to reach a point where I won’t have to take medications I’m currently prescribed, and I’m also trying to keep from developing type 2 diabetes. So, the eating program is of key importance in my weight loss journey. It’s part of an overall health improvement goal.

My second goal is related.  I want to become more consistent with my exercise routine, both number of times per week that I go to the gym and types of exercises I do. I need to add exercises to improve my postural muscle function, balance, and flexibility. I’ve been thinking about adding tai chi to what I already do, but I need to find out more about it. I already have a variety of exercises I plan to use.

I have also decided to learn French. I know, Irish and Welsh aren’t enough? But I can’t find classes in either of those, and the programs, either online or in apps don’t meet my needs as far as learning strategies go. For example, I completed the Rosetta Stone program in Welsh (which has been discontinued) and still can’t speak the language beyond a few phrases. Our local high school’s evening adult program offers the basic foreign languages (Spanish, French, German, Italian, and now Chinese) in classes over three levels and two conversation classes. With instruction, I stand a better chance of learning. I know how I best learn a foreign language. This will involve more than a year, but resolutions don’t have to end with the New Year’s Eve party.

I think three is the absolute maximum – for me, at least – number of resolutions. More than that, and the whole idea of turning over a new leaf turns into planting an entire tree (i.e. overwhelming and unachievable).

I’ll check back in next year to report on whether or not I’ve succeeded in following my own advice.