Seven Words I Will Not Use

No, this isn’t George Carlin’s seven dirty words you can’t say on TV.

When he wrote that comedy skit, the Monkees had an episode of their show poking fun at the fact that they couldn’t say the word, “hell” on early evening TV.

Carlin’s list has long since fallen by the wayside. There are probably no more than two of those words left that can’t be said at least on late night programming.

My words are not profane, but perhaps they should be.  These are words frequently used, most often incorrectly.

Without further ado, here’s my list:

1.      So, at the beginning of sentences. In fact, some people use it at the beginning of every sentence. An example (frequently heard on public radio talk shows):

          Interviewer: what’s your name?

          Guest: So, my name is George.

          Interviewer: How old are you?

          Guest: So, I’m 57.

This goes on in real life as well as on NPR, “The Graham Norton Show,” and the evening news.

I wish the interviewers would at least ask their guests to try not to do this.

I’m sure most are unaware that they’re engaging in this annoying habit. Making them aware might help them to try to stop.

It isn’t as if no sentence can ever begin with so. When it is used in place of however or therefore, it’s a reasonable variation, and quite correct.

But when it’s used as a replacement for “um” or throat clearing, it serves no grammatical purpose.

2.      Could of/ should of/ would of: This is seen in written work. It might be forgivable in a child who doesn’t understand that the spoken words are could’ve/should’ve/would’ve. But anyone who reaches high school or – God forbid! – adulthood without having learned that the words are actually contractions for could have, should have, and would have, should have to turn in their high school diploma.

3.      Less, as in less calories, less people, less anything countable. The correct word preceding any noun to which a number can be assigned is fewer.

Less is correctly used with things that aren’t countable. You can have less sand, but fewer grains of sand. It happens in both speaking and writing.

4.      Utilize. This word means use. If you mean use, that’s the word you should employ. Utilize is generally used by people who don’t have a grand vocabulary, but want others to think they do. While there’s no grammatical reason it can’t be used, it’s simply a word that irritates me because of its pretentiousness

5.      Youse. I remember when I taught fifth grade, every year when we did the lesson on subject pronouns, I asked what the plural was of you.  And every year, I was told by my students, “Youse.”

Youse does seem to be a colloquialism in speech in certain areas, like Philadelphia, especially among the poorly educated. But I’ve also heard it used at times among college graduates.

Perhaps it was because my mother was such a stickler for saying things properly that I noticed it, but hearing youse has always affected me like nails on a chalkboard.

6.      Seen as an independent verb. Seen is a past participle of the verb to see, and as such, requires an auxiliary (helper) verb. While this is again a verb used incorrectly by poorly educated people, or by people whose native language isn’t English, there are pockets of very educated people who, either because of where they grew up, or for some other reason, will say things like, “I seen that.” Nails! Nails!

7.      To/too/two written incorrectly. This one isn’t difficult, yet many people get it wrong.

I have a friend who uses to any time she means any of the three words.

If she wants to emphasize the one meaning the number, she will simply write 2 instead. Otherwise, she couldn’t be bothered.

Most people know the number is the one not written the way it sounds: two. For everything else, they, like my friend, use to.

Why too is difficult, I don’t know. Is it because it has two meanings? The first indicates an abundance of something, as in too many, too much, too large, too few.

The second meaning is a synonym for also, as in “I want to go, too.”

To is generally a direction. It is a preposition, as in: We are going to the park.

Yes, I can imagine your eye roll as you think, there she goes playing grammar police again.

But was George Carlin just trying to prove he knew bad language when he pointed out words the censors wouldn’t allow on television?

I have one statement to sum up:

So, if youse wanted less words of criticism for utilizing to many mistakes I seen you make, you should of paid more attention in school.