Pandemics and Other Disappointments

 A friend of mine was waxing nostalgic in a letter she wrote me in my birthday card. I suppose she was trying to put a hopeful spin on shelter-in-place.

She mentioned the fact that, because of the pandemic, high school seniors would miss the last events of their senior year, like sports awards ceremonies, dances, the prom and graduation. Her point was, that in the grand scheme of things, how important are those things to your future? Would it matter that you didn’t have a prom?

To her, what is really important is the friendships you form, the memories you have with those friends outside the formalities of school functions, over a lifetime.

I see her point.

But I also feel for those high school students. This is their lifetime, so far.

In my own life, my elementary school graduation was marred by my parents not attending. You might laugh. Elementary school? Who cares?

But it was the first graduation I’d ever had, and as I saw it, I wasn’t important enough for anyone in my family to come.

True, a couple of neighbors who wouldn’t ordinarily have come filled in for my missing parents. The point, to me, was that my parents didn’t attend.

A little perspective here.

Normally, the Catholic elementary school I attended had their graduation on a weekday morning, attended by everyone’s mothers. But the year I graduated, they decided to have an evening graduation.

And the evening they chose? The exact one that the local public high school was having their graduation, the high school my older brother was graduating from that same year.

I have always thought the Catholic school did this intentionally, knowing many of the eighth graders had siblings graduating from the high school. Many of us asked for our graduation ceremony to be moved, to no avail. I have always believed they did it to punish the parents who “weren’t doing their Catholic duty” of sending their children to the Catholic high school.

Still, it never occurred to either of my parents that one of them should probably attend my graduation. No, they were both going to see my brother graduate, without the slightest guilt over leaving me high and dry. They were going to see their son graduate from high school. Mine was only elementary school. Besides, I was only a girl.

I was left asking how I was going to even get to my graduation – skipping it was unthinkable, although a couple of my classmates did so they could attend their siblings’ graduation.

In the end, one of my neighbors took me. Grateful as I was for their kindness, it hurt that my parents didn’t think I was important enough.

And I never let them forget it.

When it was time for my high school graduation, I asked my parents if they were going to bother coming, or did I have to get a neighbor to bring me to that one, too? They did come, but I felt it had more to do with my brother graduating from college a semester early. Besides, he didn’t even bother going to his university graduation.

So, I understand the disappointments, and how huge they feel to the class of 2020.

What you do in high school affects your start in college. If you’re in sports, university scouts determine whether or not you get a scholarship. And there are the trophies that will eventually end up in the attic. But the celebration with your teammates is important.

For those not attending college, high school graduation is your farewell to years of education.

And prom is one of the important events of senior year. Although it became fashionable I the late ’70s to shun the prom, for most people, it’s the first formal event they’ll attend. It’s a time to shine, a time to show off the boyfriend or girlfriend.

As one of the nerds who had no boyfriend, I had to beg, plead, and scramble to get a date, just as I had for the junior prom. Both times (with different boys) I was disappointed that I had a date who didn’t want to dance, and spent most of his time talking to the other guys at the table.

But I wouldn’t consider not going. Not going would have been social failure. As a nerd, I wasn’t familiar with failure.

So, I understand.

It may not have been as momentous to my friend who, 40+ years later is still married to the guy she took to the prom. She also went to his prom, so another prom wasn’t that big of a deal to her.

Looking back over the years, my friend has children and a grandchild whose milestones are more important to her than her own. So many events have overshadowed the things she did as a teenager that she often doesn’t remember the details.

Maybe she’s more pragmatic, and better at putting things into perspective than I am.

I also find my university years have overshadowed high school. That was a time I came into my own and proved to people that I could accomplish at least some of the things that were important to me.

But high school mattered to me.

I get it.

Some of the friendships that were important to me in high school didn’t stand the test of time and distance. Others did. My friend, plus two or three others are still friends and we have at least weekly email communication. Her house or mine are available to those who come to our area to visit as theirs are to us.

We get together two or three times a year for what have become fixed gatherings, and try to find other times to reunite. We’ve been friends at least since the beginning of high school. Some of us have been friends far longer than that.

We can reminisce about high school or more recent events. But we have those memories.

The class of 2020 will have the memory of what didn’t happen. They’re not the first to be disappointed because of world events, and no doubt won’t be the last. And that’s not the end of the world that it seems now.

Still, it’s a shame.

And I get it.