Not Preaching to the Choir – or Anyone Else

 

 

During the High Holy Days in Judaism, there is a tradition of making atonement for the wrongs one does to others during the past year. Visiting people to apologize or writing letters were traditional ways in which to start the New Year on the right foot. In the internet age, my husband sends a general email to family and friends, as well as a post on Facebook in an attempt to reach everyone he may have wronged.

The Christian tradition has Confession –whether a generalized confession during a church service or the sacrament of Reconciliation in the Roman Catholic and Episcopalian faiths – which is usually a more frequent occurrence than the  annual Atonement of Judaism, but serves a similar purpose.

However, unlike the Jewish tradition, the Christian one generally does not reach out to those one has wronged, but instead confesses to God these failings as lapses in faith and obedience to the Commandments. Yet, both traditions mainly work to make the offender feel better about himself by having removed a spiritual or emotional weight from his chest.

Psychology, too, seeks to engender a similar feeling to its adherents through talking out problems with a therapist. While psychology doesn’t seek to address the spiritual or strive toward “godliness,” it works to help the seeker to achieve some kind of peace.

Whether one practices Mindfulness, follows the Eightfold Path of Buddhism, or simply adheres to the medical tenet of “Do no harm,” nearly every person with a conscience wants to be forgiven for wrongs and atone for pain caused to others.

I am as guilty as anyone of transgressions against others. My mother used to shame me into “holding my tongue” with the admonishment of, “How would you feel if someone did/said that to you?” What always made me angry when she said that was someone had already done or said something like that to me. I simply wanted revenge or to at least put them in their place, and make them feel as bad as they had made me feel. But guilt, shame and my mother kept me in my place as a child, while the rest of the world, it seemed, laughed at me.

As an adult, I have behaved in a less adult manner at times. Doing unto others as they have already done to me isn’t terribly mature, but in the moment makes one feel satisfied, if not like the better person.

Often my transgressions are not deliberate attempts at meanness, but clumsy ways of stating something I was thinking, without due consideration of how what I say might affect someone else. Sometimes I just get carried away with a subject that makes me angry, or with behaviors others get away with that I never could. Sometimes someone just pushes my buttons, whether intentionally or not, and I blurt out things that apparently circumvented my brain.

It’s irrelevant whether somewhere deep inside me I really meant these things. They simply should never have been said. There is great truth to the adage that “It is better to remain silent and let people think you’re stupid than to open your mouth and leave no doubt.”

I place intelligence and education in high regard. But I often forget that there are different kinds of intelligence, and not everyone considers formal education as the gold standard. So I frequently charge in, assuming a level playing field when often we’re not all even on the same playing field.

I know at times I have felt disapproval from some of my friends on Facebook, even though they didn’t say anything. Perhaps that’s just me, and I’m imagining it. But somehow I don’t think so. I think I’ve failed a good many people, albeit unintentionally.

That feeling could just be part of my personality. I expect people to leave because they usually do at some point. Experience is a harsh teacher.

So, as I approach my birthday and begin a new year for myself, I would like to take a page from the religious and psychological texts. To anyone I have wronged at any time in the past, I apologize. Even if you were not the subject of my wrath or clumsiness, if you felt that you were, I am deeply sorry.

I would like to start the year with a clean slate and a determination to be a better person. I know this isn’t an easy task, and words don’t prove a thing.

I hope by my actions that people will begin to see a better person than I have been in the past.