Recently, at the suggestion of a distant relative I met on
Facebook, I started reading a book about friends and enemies. Some of the
things it stated about friends and enemies got me thinking about how I would describe
each. Or if I even have any of each.
While I’m not finished the book, I did try, based on what
I’ve read so far, to compile a list of how I would categorize people, to see
what friends and enemies I may have.
Acquaintances: These
are people I have met that I have not had much contact with. I may see or
interact with these people on occasions such as both of us having a mutual
friend and being at the same gathering. These are not people I know well enough
to know if we have anything in common beyond living on the same planet.
Acquaintances can also be people I have met and know enough about to know I
don’t care to be friends with them, but I have no particular enmity for them.
Casual acquaintances:
Those I know, either well or not, but socialize with because they’re friends or
relatives of family members. These are people I can be friendly toward, but
would never have chosen as friends if I were picking friends. This is generally
because we don’t have enough in common. They are not people who would invite me
to a gathering were it not for my husband or other family member that I’m
related to. Some might call these people “friends of friends.”
Neighbors: These
are people who live in my neighborhood or once did, with whom I have only a
passing acquaintance, but whom I would willingly help out for a project, and
would hope for the same from them.
Colleagues: Those
with whom I work, but have little to no social contact outside the office. We
are friendly because we work together – and sometimes they maintain friendly
contact after we’re no longer working together because they wish a reference
for a new job or some other work help. These are not people I would socialize
with outside the work environment either because of a huge age gap or because
we have nothing in common beyond our jobs.
If we went out together, it would only be in a work-related situation –
e.g. a baby shower/wedding shower given for someone at work, or a mandatory “team building” outside work. I
have generally tried to avoid team-building situations, as I find rather than
team building, they give people ammunition with which to make fun of others, or
at least those less competent than they.
Professional friends:
These are like colleagues, but I never had a job with them. An example would be
someone who was my teacher in a class or individually, or someone for whom I
held the role of teacher. I like them, but I don’t know that we have a whole
lot in common beyond the subject that was taught. Sometimes they are people
that I’ve performed with musically (not professionally) or we have fenced
together, but I’m not part of their friend cohort. Professional is probably the
wrong word, but it’ll do for lack of another.
Distant friends:
There are a couple of kinds of these. The first is people who were once good
friends, but for whatever reason have grown distant interest-wise. These may be
people who, because of their growth as humans or mine, no longer share values
or interests, but we still have some things in common. I do enjoy seeing these
people from time to time, but would not go out of my way to see them.
The second kind of distant friend is one who is still a good
friend, but we live too far from each other to visit one another. Another
possibility for us not getting together is that their spouse doesn’t like me,
or I’m not interested in spending time in company that includes some family members they may live with.
Situational friends:
These are people I consider friends or good friends, but who don’t get along
with each other, so I can never see them together. They either don’t like one
another, or don’t have shared interests. They may even have been friends with
each other at one time, but for whatever reason, that friendship fell by the
wayside. They may get upset if I choose to be with the other one when they want
to see me. No one will make me choose A or B. That’s my decision. If they
choose not to include me in their list of friends, that’s on them. Usually, I
will get together with whichever friend invited me first. I try to accommodate
as best I can and respect their dislike for one another.
Childhood friends:
These are people I’ve known since childhood. We’ve never had a falling out, but
we’re not in frequent contact. We have each other’s addresses and send birthday
and Christmas cards. We have a good time when we do see each other, but usually
things get in the way of us getting together.
Friends: These
are people I see fairly often, and enjoy being with. We usually have a good
time, but I don’t feel I could depend on them in desperate situations. These
are not the people you could call in the middle of the night in an emergency.
They’re daytime friends. They’re social friends. And we don’t know enough about
each other to be able to depend on each other.
Good friends:
These are people who know a lot about me, and I know a lot about them. We may
have stopped seeing each other at different points in our lives (like when they
got married and had kids and I didn’t), but we maintained some sort of contact,
and have managed to stay in touch and visit often. We are people that hit it
off, have the same values and sense of humor, can speak frankly to one another,
and could call one another in the middle of the night in an emergency. Of this
type of friend, I have enough to count on one hand and still have a finger or
two left over.
Other friends: There
are also people I like who don’t like me. I’m not sure how to classify those
people. I try not to bother them once I know that they don’t like me. No one
intentionally walks into a wall, do they?
There are also those I don’t care for who, for whatever
reason, seem to like me (I seem to attract a certain segment of the population
with whom I share few, if any, interests.) I call these people annoyances. I’m
polite to them, as I am with strangers, but apparently, they mistake this for
friendship. I suppose I consider them acquaintances.
It seems to me there are a few other categories, but I can’t
think what to call them, and this probably already sounds like splitting hairs.
Enemies: As for
enemies, this is more difficult. I don’t actively hate anyone. It takes too
much energy. There are people I have hated at the time they did something,
either to me or to someone I cared about, or took a moral stand I couldn’t
tolerate. These people make me angry when I hear about things they do, or when
they try to pull a fast one on me, but in general, I don’t think about them.
Generally “enemies” are people I wouldn’t trust for any
reason, either because of who they are as individuals, or because they have, at
some point, betrayed me. Most people who have hurt me or betrayed me, I have
given a second chance. I believe in forgiveness. I believe people can make
mistakes. But if it happens a second time, that’s it.
An example of this is a “boyfriend” I had in my 20s. Our
entire relationship was based on a lie. Yet, even after our “relationship” had
ended, he would, from time to time, contact me to try to rekindle our fake
friendship. He wasn’t trying to be friendly. His whole intent was about
control. Early on, I wanted to believe he actually cared, but when I really
looked at things I realized all he ever did was gaslight me, so I cut him off
entirely. I actually laughed when I got a friend request from him on Linked-in.
I can only imagine what he might have tried to do to me on that site.
Another example is a former colleague who, when given the
chance, stabbed me in the back at work, despite the fact that whenever she came
to me for help, I gave it. It got to the point where I had to make sure she or
her friends weren’t around if I said anything. When I left that work site, she
actually had the temerity to find me on Facebook and do a friend request.
Repeatedly, until I blocked her.
Compared to those two, who are the only “enemies” that come
to mind, the schoolyard bullies from elementary school were a walk in the park.
There are lots of people who are annoying, but I don’t
consider them enemies. They’ve never specifically done anything beyond not
going away after it was obvious their presence wasn’t wanted.
Talk about enemies makes me feel like I’m a snob. I don’t
think I am. I don’t think I’m anyone special. I will at least try to be
friendly with most people. Usually they are the ones who decide we will not be
friends, and I can accept that. I won’t go where I’m not wanted.
I don’t see myself as having many friends or enemies.
Perhaps I’m naïve in that. Perhaps it’s just the fact that I’m an introvert,
and no matter how good a friend you might be, I need my down time. I spend the
majority of my free time by myself, and it doesn’t bother me. I'm the one who will agree to plans someone is making and immediately regret it. But if I give my word, that's it. I honor it.
I travel alone often because I want to go somewhere that
doesn’t interest my husband. He’s okay with that. It doesn’t bother me at all
because I can go where I want when I want, and I don’t have to compromise with
a traveling companion. As long as my flights and excursions don’t get
cancelled, and I have a good book, pen and paper, I’m a happy camper.
