An Introvert's Guide to Friends and Enemies

 

Recently, at the suggestion of a distant relative I met on Facebook, I started reading a book about friends and enemies. Some of the things it stated about friends and enemies got me thinking about how I would describe each. Or if I even have any of each.

While I’m not finished the book, I did try, based on what I’ve read so far, to compile a list of how I would categorize people, to see what friends and enemies I may have.

Acquaintances: These are people I have met that I have not had much contact with. I may see or interact with these people on occasions such as both of us having a mutual friend and being at the same gathering. These are not people I know well enough to know if we have anything in common beyond living on the same planet. Acquaintances can also be people I have met and know enough about to know I don’t care to be friends with them, but I have no particular enmity for them.

Casual acquaintances: Those I know, either well or not, but socialize with because they’re friends or relatives of family members. These are people I can be friendly toward, but would never have chosen as friends if I were picking friends. This is generally because we don’t have enough in common. They are not people who would invite me to a gathering were it not for my husband or other family member that I’m related to. Some might call these people “friends of friends.”

Neighbors: These are people who live in my neighborhood or once did, with whom I have only a passing acquaintance, but whom I would willingly help out for a project, and would hope for the same from them.

Colleagues: Those with whom I work, but have little to no social contact outside the office. We are friendly because we work together – and sometimes they maintain friendly contact after we’re no longer working together because they wish a reference for a new job or some other work help. These are not people I would socialize with outside the work environment either because of a huge age gap or because we have nothing in common beyond our jobs.  If we went out together, it would only be in a work-related situation – e.g. a baby shower/wedding shower given for someone at work, or  a mandatory “team building” outside work. I have generally tried to avoid team-building situations, as I find rather than team building, they give people ammunition with which to make fun of others, or at least those less competent than they.

Professional friends: These are like colleagues, but I never had a job with them. An example would be someone who was my teacher in a class or individually, or someone for whom I held the role of teacher. I like them, but I don’t know that we have a whole lot in common beyond the subject that was taught. Sometimes they are people that I’ve performed with musically (not professionally) or we have fenced together, but I’m not part of their friend cohort. Professional is probably the wrong word, but it’ll do for lack of another.

Distant friends: There are a couple of kinds of these. The first is people who were once good friends, but for whatever reason have grown distant interest-wise. These may be people who, because of their growth as humans or mine, no longer share values or interests, but we still have some things in common. I do enjoy seeing these people from time to time, but would not go out of my way to see them.

The second kind of distant friend is one who is still a good friend, but we live too far from each other to visit one another. Another possibility for us not getting together is that their spouse doesn’t like me, or I’m not interested in spending time in company that includes some family members they may live with.

Situational friends: These are people I consider friends or good friends, but who don’t get along with each other, so I can never see them together. They either don’t like one another, or don’t have shared interests. They may even have been friends with each other at one time, but for whatever reason, that friendship fell by the wayside. They may get upset if I choose to be with the other one when they want to see me. No one will make me choose A or B. That’s my decision. If they choose not to include me in their list of friends, that’s on them. Usually, I will get together with whichever friend invited me first. I try to accommodate as best I can and respect their dislike for one another.

Childhood friends: These are people I’ve known since childhood. We’ve never had a falling out, but we’re not in frequent contact. We have each other’s addresses and send birthday and Christmas cards. We have a good time when we do see each other, but usually things get in the way of us getting together.

Friends: These are people I see fairly often, and enjoy being with. We usually have a good time, but I don’t feel I could depend on them in desperate situations. These are not the people you could call in the middle of the night in an emergency. They’re daytime friends. They’re social friends. And we don’t know enough about each other to be able to depend on each other.

Good friends: These are people who know a lot about me, and I know a lot about them. We may have stopped seeing each other at different points in our lives (like when they got married and had kids and I didn’t), but we maintained some sort of contact, and have managed to stay in touch and visit often. We are people that hit it off, have the same values and sense of humor, can speak frankly to one another, and could call one another in the middle of the night in an emergency. Of this type of friend, I have enough to count on one hand and still have a finger or two left over.

Other friends: There are also people I like who don’t like me. I’m not sure how to classify those people. I try not to bother them once I know that they don’t like me. No one intentionally walks into a wall, do they?

There are also those I don’t care for who, for whatever reason, seem to like me (I seem to attract a certain segment of the population with whom I share few, if any, interests.) I call these people annoyances. I’m polite to them, as I am with strangers, but apparently, they mistake this for friendship. I suppose I consider them acquaintances.

It seems to me there are a few other categories, but I can’t think what to call them, and this probably already sounds like splitting hairs.

Enemies: As for enemies, this is more difficult. I don’t actively hate anyone. It takes too much energy. There are people I have hated at the time they did something, either to me or to someone I cared about, or took a moral stand I couldn’t tolerate. These people make me angry when I hear about things they do, or when they try to pull a fast one on me, but in general, I don’t think about them.

Generally “enemies” are people I wouldn’t trust for any reason, either because of who they are as individuals, or because they have, at some point, betrayed me. Most people who have hurt me or betrayed me, I have given a second chance. I believe in forgiveness. I believe people can make mistakes. But if it happens a second time, that’s it.

An example of this is a “boyfriend” I had in my 20s. Our entire relationship was based on a lie. Yet, even after our “relationship” had ended, he would, from time to time, contact me to try to rekindle our fake friendship. He wasn’t trying to be friendly. His whole intent was about control. Early on, I wanted to believe he actually cared, but when I really looked at things I realized all he ever did was gaslight me, so I cut him off entirely. I actually laughed when I got a friend request from him on Linked-in. I can only imagine what he might have tried to do to me on that site.

Another example is a former colleague who, when given the chance, stabbed me in the back at work, despite the fact that whenever she came to me for help, I gave it. It got to the point where I had to make sure she or her friends weren’t around if I said anything. When I left that work site, she actually had the temerity to find me on Facebook and do a friend request. Repeatedly, until I blocked her.

Compared to those two, who are the only “enemies” that come to mind, the schoolyard bullies from elementary school were a walk in the park.

There are lots of people who are annoying, but I don’t consider them enemies. They’ve never specifically done anything beyond not going away after it was obvious their presence wasn’t wanted.

Talk about enemies makes me feel like I’m a snob. I don’t think I am. I don’t think I’m anyone special. I will at least try to be friendly with most people. Usually they are the ones who decide we will not be friends, and I can accept that. I won’t go where I’m not wanted.

I don’t see myself as having many friends or enemies. Perhaps I’m naïve in that. Perhaps it’s just the fact that I’m an introvert, and no matter how good a friend you might be, I need my down time. I spend the majority of my free time by myself, and it doesn’t bother me. I'm the one who will agree to plans someone is making and immediately regret it. But if I give my word, that's it. I honor it.

I travel alone often because I want to go somewhere that doesn’t interest my husband. He’s okay with that. It doesn’t bother me at all because I can go where I want when I want, and I don’t have to compromise with a traveling companion. As long as my flights and excursions don’t get cancelled, and I have a good book, pen and paper, I’m a happy camper.