Lessons Learned from a Children’s Book

 

 

Recently, I finally read The Wind in the Willows, by Kenneth Graeme. It had been on my TBR pile for years.

I only learned about the book as an adult, even though the copyright date on my copy of it was from when I was 11.

To be honest, I didn’t really enjoy it.

It’s a perfectly good story, and I really wanted to like it, so I took a look at why I didn’t like it.

First of all, I am an introvert. I also have ADD (or whatever they’ve renamed it), so this plays a major role in my encounter with the book.

First, the introvert part.

The story begins with Mole doing his spring cleaning. Yes, this is tedious going, and he gets fed up. It’s a lovely day, after all, and he’s stuck in the house.

He dashes out and finds himself in the sunlight of a meadow, where a rabbit presses him for money to pass through. Mole is having none of that, and races past. He’s in a hurry to enjoy the day.

 He eventually comes to the river, which he’s never seen before. There, he meets Ratty, a river rat, who immediately takes to him and rows his boat over to collect him.

So far, so good. Ratty introduces him to the riverside, invites him into his boat and takes him on a little cruise along the river until he reaches the other bank. They get out and Ratty produces a picnic basket and shares his food with Mole. It’s all very nice.

Ratty is knowledgeable about the river banks and even the dark wood. They’re having a lovely time when suddenly an otter comes out from under the water and joins them. Now to most, this would seem lovely. The more the merrier. He is a friend of Ratty, and Ratty introduces Mole as his new friend. I don’t know how Mole felt about it. Moles tend to be solitary creatures, like introverts, and I was beginning to feel a little crowded around the tablecloth with two relatively unknown, if friendly, creatures.

 Badger makes a brief appearance, but he is very much the introvert, and, seeing the three of them, retreats to the woods rather than join them.

Perhaps Mole was fine with it.  He continues his meal, listening to what Ratty and Otter have to say when they see Toad in his boat. They tell Mole of various messes Toad had got into when suddenly Otter disappears after a mayfly.

They decide to pack up the lunch things, and Mole volunteers to do it, in thanks for Ratty providing lunch. Once it’s all packed, they get back into the boat and row towards Ratty’s home. A very enjoyable day, and an enjoyable book so far.

Then Mole decides he wants to row, which he doesn’t know how to do. Despite Ratty’s objections, Mole grabs the oars and his efforts are rewarded with them both being pitched out of the boat.

The ADD part of me can understand this. I’ve often done things without thinking with disastrous results. At that point, I would’ve been embarrassed beyond belief. The only thing I would have wanted to do, after apologizing profusely, would be to scurry back to my home, believing my new friend would prefer to see the back of me after that.

But Mole stays. Yes, they are animals, and behave as animals, shaking themselves off, despite having the trappings of humans, and going on as if nothing had happened. As the book points out, animal etiquette demands that no comment be made if a friend suddenly leaves or makes a mistake.

Mole is embarrassed by his own bad behavior, but Ratty helps get Mole out of the water, helps him to dry off and rescues the lunch basket that has fallen into the water while Mole tries to get dry.

I would need distance to recover from the embarrassment. I can definitely imagine someone actually dying of embarrassment.

 Mole does apologize, but Ratty is cheerful and thinks nothing of what’s happened. They go along to Ratty’s house as planned. Ratty invites him to sleep over, teaches him how to row and proves himself the perfect host.

This is where I became more and more uncomfortable reading the book. To my mind, Mole needed to go home, reset, and have a few days to get over the embarrassment of his behavior. I would have. But he didn’t. He stayed. Apparently, Ratty’s cheerful attitude was enough to get him past his mistake.

In fact Mole actually stays most of the summer with Ratty while Ratty introduces him to many other experiences and animals, and teaches him the proper behavior of animal society.

The longer Mole stayed, the less I wanted to read the story. Perhaps if I’d read it as a child it would have affected me differently. But I suspect I would have felt the same, if less intensely.

Why do I believe this?

When I was 10 I was invited to a Halloween party by one of my classmates. I think it was also a birthday party, so I was aware that I would probably never be invited to a party there again. My mother didn’t allow me to have birthday parties with friends. The etiquette was, if someone invited you to their birthday party, you were expected to invite them to yours. I was probably the only child in the universe who wasn’t allowed to have friend birthday parties, so however much anyone may have liked me, I was never invited to a second party by anyone. It didn’t matter that they would’ve been invited, and I wasn’t excluding them. There was simply no party to invite them to.

The reason I couldn’t have parties was my eldest brother. When he was eight, he had a friend birthday party. I was a year old at the time. His friends were apparently feral. They climbed all over furniture they shouldn’t have been on and generally acted like bulls in the proverbial china shop. After that, my mother declared there would never be another friend birthday party in our house. Thanks bro.

Back to the party when I was 10. It was near Halloween, so we all came in costumes. I was a vampire. I had a cape. At one point, one of my friends and I crossed hands and she started spinning around in a circle, which meant I went spinning as well. Capes being what they are, mine flew out behind me and knocked something off a table. I don’t recall whether or not it was a breakable, but we were both reprimanded by the birthday child’s mother.

I, of course, was embarrassed to the bone. I knew I shouldn’t have done that. I had fallen off the “on your best behavior” shelf, behaving no better than a street urchin. What would my mother say? (Would she find out? Not from my lips.)

I think everyone else shrugged it off. It was a moment. But for me, it was the rest of the evening, and that was ruined. I couldn’t enjoy the rest of the party. I took off my cape and went through the motions of attending a party, eating cake and ice cream, drinking some god-awful fake fruit punch and waiting for the party to be over.

The party person opened wonderful gifts, and I mimed the same oohs and aahs as everyone else, smiled at the shiny new items and looked as social as everyone else (I think). But none of it reached beyond the wall my lapse of judgement had erected in front of me. I was mortified and only wanted to get out of the situation. Perhaps by Monday, when we returned to school, I could feel human again around my peers.

So, I think even at 10, I would’ve taken Mole’s situation with the same discomfort I did as a senior citizen. (Am I really?)

Then the story got more uncomfortable: they met Toad of Toad Hall.

Toad was the sort of creature who would’ve spun around in tight quarters wearing a cape, and knocked down Greek urns and ancient Chinese vases. But he would’ve blamed the urns and vases for losing their balance. I didn’t like Toad.

On top of that, Toad was stupid, in my estimation. He had everything – almost everything. He had friends, a richly appointed mansion, and all the trappings of wealth one could desire. But he had no common sense. He did not learn from his experiences.

Toad blithely made a mess of things and cried crocodile – or in his case, Toad – tears, begging for forgiveness – and expecting it to be handed out simply because he asked – while expecting his friends to bail him out of his situation.

Toad eventually ends up in jail, and his friends become exasperated with him. But he does finally have a moment of remorse, and determines to turn over a new leaf.

Meanwhile, the seamier creatures of the forest take over Toad Hall in Toad’s absence, and make a mess of things. Fortunately, Toad’s friends, despite their exasperation with Toad himself – they are a forgiving lot – come to his aid and help him rid his home of these squatters.

Yet, the moment he gets the slightest temptation, Toad forgets his new leaf, and resumes his old ways.

Yes, this is the human condition, and all of us forget our good intentions at times. But Toad doesn’t even seem to try, relying yet again on his friends to bail him out as needed. He’s the sort that says sorry, but actually isn’t. To him, tomorrow is another day, and we won’t speak of anything that’s past.

It may simply be that we detest seeing our own faults in others, and that’s why I can’t like him. He shows up my ADD side. But I don’t think I’ve ever abused anyone’s friendship the way he repeatedly does. And when I make a mistake, I am truly humiliated by it. I do learn from my mistakes. I don’t make the same one again. I may make a different one, but I don’t repeat the old ones. And I try to make up my transgressions to others. Whether or not the accept it, is on them.

But I simply cannot like someone as unrepentantly entitled as Toad. He ruined The Wind in the Willows for me.

When I’m From

 

 

When I was in elementary school in the 1960s, there was no such thing as a learning disability – at least not at my school. Children didn’t have things like dyslexia, ADHD or any of a myriad of other challenges. If you got things right away and excelled, you were smart. If you took a long time to learn things, you were slow, and if you took a very long time to learn things, you often repeated a grade. If you were considered the “R” word (I use that because that was the word used at the time), a designation given by a doctor, you went somewhere else, and often didn’t live with your family.

Sometimes families fought against having a child institutionalized, and tried, with varying levels of success, to have their child educated in a regular school. I knew a few people like that from my neighborhood.

They repeated grades and eventually learned enough to move on until they reached 16 – usually by eighth grade because the school didn’t want them repeating a grade more than once – and they were legally allowed to leave school. Then, if they were able to get jobs, it was at a basic level, and they stayed in the same job for the rest of their lives.

But those with learning disabilities, rather than the R word, were given different designations, mainly because teachers often didn’t have knowledge of disabilities, and didn’t know how to teach students how to overcome such obstacles. 

Some were called lazy because they could do the work but had difficulty paying attention, or because they could learn but somehow couldn’t make sense of the textbooks they read. Some were considered troublemakers or attention seekers because they called out in class or couldn’t stay in their seats.

And if you happened to be left handed, anything you did incorrectly was blamed on that. Whether you were punished for being left-handed in my school depended on whether you were a boy or a girl, and whether or not you had the misfortune of having a teacher who had it out for your gender.

I was in the left-handed category, blissfully unaware that any of the other “nonexistent” challenges applied to me.

When people learn that I attended Catholic school and still managed to grow up to be a left-handed adult, they are generally stunned.  In fact, other than one of the safeties who patrolled the aisles in our overcrowded first-grade class to help the teacher during handwriting class, no one ever bothered me about being left-handed.

But the same could not be said of the left-handed boys in my class. One told me years later how he was repeatedly hit with a ruler by the nun. It was fairly well recognized that she didn’t like boys.

Being left-handed, I tended to start writing my letters backwards from the wrong side of the paper. My mother, early on, corrected this tendency, but she was never satisfied with my handwriting ability. She considered my best to be nothing short of lazy and sloppy, and my homework was frequently torn up. I would then have to do it over. But on the bright side, because writing spelling words was an every night assignment, I became an excellent speller simply because I had to write my words so many times.

What they did not know about me at the time was that I am mildly dyslexic. I had a bit of difficulty when we first began learning to read because I didn’t understand some of the rules we were given. We were told that words that ended with tails – a term my teacher used for silent e on the end of a word, although I missed that part – had a long vowel sound. To me, a tail was the loopy bit that went below the line. My mother didn’t understand why I pronounced every word that ended with p, y, or g with a long vowel sound.

It wasn’t until I explained about tails that my mother realized that I was too concrete a thinker to understand what my teacher was telling us, and she then explained that the teacher only meant an e. After that, my reading pronunciation and comprehension picked up so much that I went from the second reading group to the first in under a month.

I must have some subgroup type of dyslexia. While I do have difficulty at times going from one line to the next while reading – bookmarks aren’t just for closed books – and sometimes important words jump out of one sentence and into another, making a jumble of the page, my major problem is with textbooks.

I can read novels, and even biographies without difficulty. But textbooks and technical manuals are somewhat beyond me. I can’t retain the information by simply reading. I need to either hear it or write it. And even then, I’ll never be able to find the facts I’m looking for again in the textbook.

I didn’t learn until college that outlining chapters was a lifesaver. As I read my assignments, I outlined what I read. That way, even though after reading it I couldn’t tell you what I’d read, I had notes to refer to, and I learned from those.

I managed to breeze through elementary school – often on the honor roll – without ever doing my textbook reading homework. If I heard it in class, I could reproduce it on a test.

When I didn’t do quite as well as my parents and teachers thought I should, they agreed that I was lazy, and if I weren’t so lazy, I would do better.

The proof of this to them was that, other than handwriting and art, my two worst subjects in school were history and geography. Those two subjects mainly only require one to be able to read. But it was a textbook that had to be read. And often, not everything we had to know was discussed in class. They knew I could read quite well. But I didn’t do well in those subjects. 1492, 1942, 1249 ans 1294 are pretty much the same number to me, as the numbers dance around and show off.

Phone numbers are a nighmare. If you say the number aloud, I can copy it correctly. If I am copying from a page, I frequently transpose numbers, and I have to very slowly, digit by digit check to make sure I've copied it correctly.

I did do really well in history and geography one year. In history, we were studying the Middle Ages, an era I’ve always loved, and in geography we were studying Europe. We started off with the UK and Ireland, and I did a fantastic job, since my ancestors were from Ireland and Scotland, and the Beatles were from England (and I loved The Beatles).

As we progressed through Western Europe, my grasp of the subject slipped until, by the time we reached Spain and Portugal, my grades were as bad as when we studied US geography (So many states and capitals!).

That year convinced my parents it was sheer laziness when I didn’t do well in history and geography. They didn’t understand how difficult it was to stay focused on a textbook.

Every year I vowed to do a much better job academically, do all of my homework – even the reading part – and be at the top of my class. And every year, that lasted about a week.

I really tried. I was one of the top 10 or so students in my class, but I just couldn’t hold onto the elusive textbook knowledge.

What I also didn’t know until I was an adult was that I also have ADD – unfortunately, I didn’t have the hyperactivity, which I could have used a bit of. I’m sure the ADD played a role in my lack of focus.

Because I was a very good reader – and loved an audience – my teachers rarely called on me to read. Instead, they called on those who had very little ability to read aloud. I had to pretend I wasn’t paying attention to be called on – they loved to embarrass children back then. Once I demonstrated I did, indeed, know where we were, and had read a sentence or two, someone else was called on to struggle through two or three paragraphs.

When it came to independent work, I was either hyper focused or off in that land I go to where my invisible friends all know me.

When the teacher was teaching a new concept, like expanding numbers, Roman Numerals or points of grammar, I understood the technicalities very quickly and was ready to move on to something else. Unfortunately, that never happened, so I’d zone out for the next few days while she retaught the same thing.

Most of my real difficulties in school were social. I didn’t get the subtleties of my classmates’ behavior. My so-called friends picked fights with me (arguments, not fist fights) for unfathomable reasons. I didn’t know how to fight with them or why they wanted to, so I just went off by myself. And they all grew up emotionally before I did (some say I still haven't), so my friend set kept getting younger.

How ADD mainly affected me was at home. My mother had a rule about how close you could sit in front of the TV. You had to be on the rug, and even then, I was often told to move back. It wasn’t because I was in anyone’s way. It was that early TV belief that the radiation from the TV would get you.

My problem was that if I sat on a chair or the sofa, there was too much space between the TV and me. Aside from it being more difficult to become one with the characters at that distance, even the airspace between the TV and me was a distraction.

This was so much of a thing with me that, to this day, I can recall what shows I watched as a small child, from Bertie the Bunyip and Captain Kangaroo to Lost in Space and The Twilight Zone, but I can’t recall a single episode – or in some cases, the characters themselves – unless I’ve seen the shows in syndication as an adult. I may have been facing the TV and wanting to watch, but if I weren’t right in front of the screen, I couldn’t maintain any attention to the show.

When people would tell me I was smart, I always felt like a fake. Of course I was lazy: my teachers and my parents said so. Every year, despite what my tests and report cards reflected, I was sure I was going to be left back to repeat the grade. Of course, I thought teachers could fail you if they didn’t like you, and I thought none of my teachers liked me. I doubt any of them remembered me once I was out of their class.

I once told my mother that school to me was like hanging outside a second-story window, holding onto the window sill, afraid someone would close the window on my fingers and I’d fall to my death.

That’s also how I’d still describe my social skills.

I like the idea of parties, but I don’t like being at them. I never know what to say, so I end up saying all the wrong things. People tend to avoid me, and when they don’t I’m just waiting for something terribly stupid to fall out of my mouth. Stage fright, to me, is going to a party where the only person I know is the one I came with.

But put me on a stage, and I’m in my element. I have never experienced stage fright on a stage. I’ll sing, I’ll act, I’ll play my guitar, and I’ll have the most fun a person can have because I don’t have to interact directly with the audience. There’s airspace separating us, and I’m not them.

One thing I did learn because of the stage is that I can’t memorize lines by reading them repeatedly. When I was in a play in community theatre, I knew everyone’s lines but mine. No matter how much I studied my lines, I didn’t hear them, so I had difficulty remembering them. Too late, I realized I should have read them on tape and listened to them. Ah well, next play. Someday.

Ironically, I write novels. I love playing with words. But it’s on my terms. It’s a conversation between me and my invisible friends (aka characters). And sometimes my invisible friends won’t talk to me, either.

Years ago, a group of my (visible) friends and I would get together every week. We all wrote stories, and we’d read them to one another and critique everyone’s work (kindly). At one point we discovered that out of seven or eight of us, only one wasn’t dyslexic.

So the question was asked: What one word did all of your teachers use to describe you?

And the answer was the same for every one of us.

Lazy.