Ms. Manners’ Rules of Etiquette

Americans need to grow up.

I can see the eye roll coming if I say, “When I was younger – or as some like to say, back in my day -- people were more responsible.” But it’s true.

When I was growing up we were taught from a young age that each of us had responsibilities. We learned our responsibilities long before we were given our freedoms. Complaints of, “It isn’t fair!” were met with, “Life isn’t fair,” or “I’ll show you fair,” followed by the threat of worse things to come.

And there were consequences. If you chose to break your new toy, Mommy didn’t run out and buy you a new one. No, that was one less toy you had. And you were punished for the willful disregard for how hard your parents had to work to provide you with the pleasures they never had.

School was our job as children. You were taught, and given homework to help you better understand what you had been taught. You weren’t rewarded for doing what you were supposed to. There were no toys, stickers or parties because you completed a page of multiplication table exercises. The only stars on papers were for 100% on a test – if that particular teacher did stars, or on a piano lesson page once it had been mastered.

It wasn’t all drudgery. We had actual recess, not what passes for recess now recess. Today it’s  about 10 – 15 minutes of children standing around talking or screaming, with one or two running around.

When I was younger it was 30 minutes in the morning and an hour at lunch outside, every day, unless it was actively raining. There were no heat indices or wind-chill factors. We went outside to run, play tag, jump rope or play hopscotch. Yes, a few sat on the pavement to play Jacks. The only people standing around were the teachers who were guarding us and the upper classes who thought they were too cool to “play.”

No one mollycoddled us. If it was cold, you were expected to dress appropriately: coat, hat and gloves. If you lost or forgot any of these, oh well. That would teach you to remember. Since I attended Catholic school, replete with uniforms, if it was hot, you could offer your suffering up for the poor souls in Purgatory.

I’m sure there were children with asthma when I was in school, although I didn’t know any.  Perhaps someone, somewhere was allergic to peanut butter, but again, I didn’t know that individual. There were no bans on any particular food at our school.

If a teacher accused you of wrongdoing, you were guilty unless you could demonstrate that you had not done the act. Even if your parents didn’t agree with the punishment, the teacher ruled in the classroom, and you were punished. In our family, if you got in trouble at school, just wait till you got home!

Parents didn’t show outrage over a teacher rightly or wrongly accusing their child of wrongdoing. Even if you were not in the wrong, it was more than likely that your parents would say, “Well, I’m sure you got away with something else at some point, so this is punishment for that.” No one got a free pass at school for not being read their Miranda rights.

Report cards were like an annual review at work. We were expected to do well. If we didn’t, our parents worked with us on the subject until we understood it. If we did well, you might get such high praise as, “Good job.” There were no prizes for good grades. No money passed hands.

If you wanted to join a sports team, the expectation was that you could play the sport. You had to try out, and if you weren’t good enough, you didn’t get on the team. If you didn’t listen to your coach, you didn’t get to stay on the team. But you learned how to work as a team, and that you don’t always win at everything.

Adults took responsibility, too.

They didn’t leave it to the village to raise their children – although if you did something wrong in the neighborhood, an adult who wasn’t your parent didn’t hesitate to reprimand you for it.

Parents didn’t send you off to school with the expectation that school would teach you everything. You knew how to tie your shoes, zip your coat, wipe your own nose – and bring your own tissues with you – and use appropriate manners long before you set foot in school. Parents helped you with homework, or at least made sure you got it done.

Other families did things differently, but in my family, we received an allowance that was unrelated to any tasks we were expected to do in the home. The purpose of the allowance was to teach us how to responsibly handle money. That money was ours to do with as we pleased. It wasn’t much: a dime, a quarter, and you had to be in high school before you got a whole dollar. But the point was, we had our own money. And payday was Friday after dinner.

My parents bought us gifts for Christmas and our birthdays. That was it. It was a rare treat for them to buy us toys for no reason at all. So, if we wanted something else, it was our responsibility to save allowance money to buy it.

Parents and other adults took responsibility for themselves and their families. Yes, there were, I’m sure, those who didn’t, but the majority did. And I’m sure today the same holds true, but what we see is more disarray.

Adults had certain rules they played by. One was that religion and politics weren’t discussed in polite conversations. That didn’t necessarily hold true if you were having a private conversation with a friend or co-worker. But people were generally civil when discussing these things.

 In a conversation between two people of different Christian faiths, no one told the other they weren’t Christian because their beliefs were different. Friends could disagree on politics, but it didn’t turn into a bloodbath of invective and name-calling. Politics generally didn’t create violence against those who disagreed.

No, things weren’t perfect.

We had racism.

We had religious sectarianism.

We had sexism.

We had McCarthyism.

GBLTQ identification was considered criminal.

People with physical, mental and developmental difficulties were labeled “Retarded” and “Crippled” and kept out of the mainstream.

But is it really better now?

Some of it is slowly getting better.

Those with physical, mental and developmental difficulties are now seen rather than being “put away.” They are mainstreamed in the public schools. Buildings and sidewalks are designed to allow them access. But there are still those who stare, still those who judge someone who “looks normal” and parks in a handicapped space, regardless of whether or not they have the appropriate card or license plate.

The GBLTQ community is actually that now. People are allowed to be open about who they are, and live their lives openly. But there is still a stigma. Businesses are still legally allowed to refuse to serve these people by stating “religious objections.” Despite their increased visibility, people in the GBLTQ community continue to face discrimination and hate crimes.

McCarthyism did die, but not before unjustly ruining people’s lives. It should forever stand as a stain on our national reputation. It should stand as a warning to us now and to future generations.

A bit harsh? Look around at what is happening politically now. Those who are supposed to be our leaders are condoning muzzling the media or anyone who doesn’t share their view. Some might call it rhetoric, but it stops being rhetoric when  people are gunned down for stating views opposed to what those leaders espouse. No, not McCarthyism. Far worse, although made of similar fabric.

Sexism is far from over. While not as overt in our media as it once was, sexism is alive and well. The “Me too” movement has exposed something people generally think of as either a policy that was carried out during the “Golden Age” of film or a given if you want to get ahead in acting. That anyone could be complacent is outrageous.

It isn’t just in the acting industry that this goes on. Everything from the little slights like being told you can’t do something because, “You’re just a girl,” (which I hope doesn’t still happen, but I’m sure it does) to military personnel being raped by their colleagues is part of the continuing sexism that goes on in this country. As long as any of those things occur here, we will be a sexist country.

Religious sectarianism never went away.  The venue simply changed.

Instead of Catholics and Jews having to worry about being openly discriminated against, it’s mostly Moslems. Don’t get me wrong, the Catholics and Jews still face moments of discrimination, albeit less overt most of the time, although recent events have proven that anti-semitism is still too much alive, but it seems to have become acceptable to hate Moslems. Sikhs get pulled into the discrimination because the bigots can’t tell a Sikh from a Moslem.

Even Protestants don’t get off scot free. In some places, you can be Christian, but if you’re not Christian enough (i.e. Evangelical “Christian”) you just aren’t good enough.

Of course, those who call themselves “Christian” and set themselves up as judge and jury to those they meet are hardly espousing Christ’s rules or example. If you’re truly Christian, you should be quoting the Beatitudes or the Gospels, not Leviticus.

It’s enough to make me want to be an atheist so that everyone can tell me I’m going to hell. I wouldn’t care. I wouldn’t believe in it.

And then we get to racism. Until about three years ago, I was under the happy delusion that racism was gradually going away. Look at all the interracial marriages. We don’t have race riots any more (for the most part). People I know don’t care what color you are. Besides, I was raised to treat everyone equally, regardless of race, creed, gender, sexual identity, ancestry, etc. Boy, was I deluded!

It isn’t a matter of how many days or weeks go by between reports of violence against people of color. It’s a matter of how many people of color were victims of violence today.

Yes, it’s a two-way street. But by far, people of color are more likely to have violence done to them. In today’s society the people of color includes those of Hispanic/Latino heritage. Our so-called leaders are making them out to be criminals, regardless of their age, sex or actual background simply because of their ethnic heritage.

But why do things seem to be going backwards rather than forwards?

There is no one reason but there does seem to be a general laxity of what is appropriate that has been going on for decades.

It starts with a lack of respect, both for ourselves and others.  The “I don’t have to respect you because I don’t like you,” attitude of the schoolyard bully that isn’t corrected while the person is still young. It continues with lack of simple common decency, also known as good manners. And it escalates into a lack of responsibility. “It wasn’t my fault!” may be expected from a six-year-old, but shouldn’t be tolerated, even then.

These things have been more and more widely accepted over the course of years. We’ve devolved into a people who don’t dare correct someone because, even to beep your horn at someone who has failed to notice the light has changed could get you shot. And in certain states, that shooter won’t even be charged with a crime because they were just “standing their ground.”

Even if this is an exaggeration,  the litigious nature of this country makes people afraid to take action. If I reprimand your child for being a brat – even though I would never actually call him/her that to their face – you might sue me.

Americans have become a polarized, wussy bunch of whiners, yet it’s mainly the lazy, couldn’t-be-bothered variety who deserve the largest portion of blame for the country being the way it is.

Americans need to stand up and start taking some responsibility.

Everyone is quick to blather on about their rights. Yet no one bothers to acknowledge that every right bears a responsibility. As they say in science (which really does exist): To every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

You have the right to cross the street. But if you don’t take the responsibility of looking both ways before you cross, you may be hit by a car. And yes, it is your fault.  That’s how responsibility works.

America may not be any worse in these things than any other country (that’s a whole different debate), but it certainly isn’t any better. What is needed is for Americans to grow some integrity. You are responsible for what you do, and if either good or harm comes of it, it’s entirely your fault.

Don’t like something? Fix it. Do something. America is in the state it’s in because people left if to the other guy.

And please, don’t allow politics to divide us. I have friends who hate my politics. And I hate theirs. But politics aside, we’re decent people, so like the polite people we were raised to be, we don’t discuss politics and we remain friends.